Alternate juror speaks out as jury deliberates Upper West Side nanny murder trial

UPPER WEST SIDE, Manhattan (WABC) -- Jury deliberations will resume Wednesday in the trial of a nanny accused of killing two young children in her care.

The judge gave final instructions to the six men and six women, who for weeks have listened to gut-wrenching testimony, gruesome details of the murders of 6-year-old Lulu and 2-year-old Leo Krim.

Their former nanny, 55-year-old Yoselyn Ortega, is accused of stabbing the children on October 25, 2012.

Their mother, Marina Krim, had just returned from swimming lessons with her 3-year-old daughter to find them dead in the bathtub.

Ortega's attorney maintains she suffers from mental illness and severe depression, and that she lacks the capacity to form intent to kill. Prosecutors, however, say that she knew exactly what she was doing and carried out a well-planned attack.

Alternate juror Chloe Beck said that in the beginning, she did feel that Ortega was guilty. But now, after hearing all of the testimony, she doesn't know what to think.

"Throughout this whole case, I've been saying that Leo has my heart," she said. "I think it was from when they showed the vacation book, and you see him holding his dad's beer and you would just see the life. I would always say that he had such life, and you could just tell that he was this 'Gerber Baby' who had so much to live for and the juxtaposition of seeing him...he became so small."

This entire experience, understandably, had a profound effect on the jurors.

"Seeing a tooth brush covered in blood, there was a child's toothbrush," Beck said. "And it sticks with me. One of my relaxation things is taking a bath, and I haven't taken a bath since. I have not. I just, seeing knives freaks me out."

Beck said she'll never be the same.

"To know that the dad had to be pulled off a plane just two days before his birthday, I'm finding out, to have to say goodbye to your kids," she said. "Just thinking you're going on a business trip, never thinking that would be the last time you saw them, and to know that...he seems like the type of father who wants to protect his family. And to know that he was the most helpless in that moment just (shakes head)."

Kevin Krim was in court during the closing arguments on Monday.

Beck feels the jury has a lot of work ahead of them to determine the verdict. But even though the alternates were dismissed and won't be deliberating, she feels like she has a lot of work to do herself.

"I keep saying, now that this is over, I still have to get up and I have to go back to my life," she said. "What am I supposed to do with everything I just saw, just heard, just learned? And I don't have an answer."

Ortega faces a possible sentence of life behind bars if convicted.

The Krim family released a new video on their foundation's Facebook page promising a statement after the verdict. Until that time, in the spirit of the foundation, they asked that people continue to "see possibility, seek positivity, and choose creativity."

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